January 2012
3 posts
4 tags
Conversation on a Friday Night
It is a Friday night. Deb shops at Anthropologie. She decides to buy a pair of pajama pants that are on sale. A Cashier rings her up. As Deb is about to leave, he asks her a question.
Cashier: So what are you up to tonight?
Deb: Well, I just bought this pair of pajamas, so you’re looking at it…
The Cashier laughs.
Deb: …gonna head straight home and put them on.
The...
4 tags
Conversation with a Co-Worker
Deb is at work. A Co-Worker asks if she would like a chocolate chip cookie. Deb accepts and begins to eat cookie.
Deb: This cookie was made in the Hamptons.
Co-Worker checks packaging. He challenges her.
Co-Worker: Where in the Hamptons?
Deb takes another bite of the cookie.
Deb: South. Definitely, South Hampton.
Co-Worker: Your cookie geography is amazing.
4 tags
Conversation with Customer Care
Deb is on hold with a Bank. She listens to hold music.
Customer Care Representative #1: Deb, I wanted to apologize for the long hold time and thank you for remaining on the line.
Deb: No problem.
CCR #1: I have Customer Care Representative # 2 on the line. He will be best to assist you. Customer Care Representative # 2, I wanted to thank you for getting on the line with us.
Customer Care...
September 2011
1 post
6 tags
Conversation with a Boss
Deb is at work. She is chatting with her boss.
Deb: Oh my gosh. Did you watch the season finale of Curb last night?
Boss: You know, I actually don’t get it.
Deb: You don’t get it?
Boss: No. I don’t get it.
Deb: Wait, I don’t understand, what’s not to get?
Silence.
Boss: HBO, Deb. I don’t get HBO.
Deb: Oh. Um.
April 2011
1 post
4 tags
Conversation with a Recent College Graduate
Deb is talking with a Random Co-Worker. Random Co-Worker is also a Recent College Graduate.
Random Recent College Graduate Co-Worker: Your birthday is coming up, right?
Deb: Yeah.
RRCGCW: That is so exciting. Which birthday is it?
Deb: 30.
Silence.
RRCGCW: I’m like a fetus compared to you.
Deb: Um.
RRCGCW: I’m being totally serious. Compared to you, I’m a fetus....
March 2011
1 post
4 tags
Conversation with Friends
Deb and Friends discuss their upcoming trip.
Friend #1: I’m just really nervous about the hotel. I’m very worried about bedbugs.
Friend #2: I’m not too worried about the bedbugs. I’m just a very nervous traveler. A. Very. Nervous. Traveler.
Deb thinks about it.
Deb: I’m not worried about anything. My therapist wins!
October 2010
2 posts
6 tags
Conversation with a Nurse
Deb is at the doctor. A Nurse is taking her blood. Deb looks the other way so she will not have to see the needle in her arm.
Nurse: Oh! Oh!
Deb frantically looks turns to the nurse.
Deb: Oh my gosh. What’s wrong?
Nurse: Girl, how I wish your blood was a nail polish color. I’d paint my nails with it.
September 2010
3 posts
Conversation with a Manicurist
Deb is getting a manicure on 23rd St. It is nice and relaxing.
Manicurist: Hands. So nice. Your hands so nice.
Deb: Thank you.
Manicurist: You could be hand model.
Deb blushes.
Manicurist: And your wrists. A wrist model too. You could be wrist model.
Manicurist leans over the table and checks out the rest of Deb. After she has her look, she sits back down in her chair.
Manicurist: Yes,...
6 tags
Conversation in a Cab to Brooklyn
Deb is in a cab heading to Brooklyn. The Cab Driver bounces to the music on the radio. At a red light, Cab Driver lowers the volume and turns to Deb.
Cab Driver: You high?
Deb: Um. No.
Cab Driver: You wanna be?
4 tags
Conversation at a Bagel Store on 3rd Avenue
Deb stops at a bagel store on 3rd Avenue on her way to work. She has not been there for quite some time. She waits on line for her turn to order. People fill the store and there is limited personal space.
Suddenly, Bagel Store Worker, recognizes Deb.
Bagel Store Worker: Mi amor, where have you been?
Deb: I know, I know, I haven’t been here in a while.
BSW: You look so thin. Have you...
June 2010
3 posts
Deb takes a Blogcation
Conversations with Deb is taking a blogcation! What? I know.
Stay up to date with shows and other Deb adventures by joining the mailing list. Email conversationswithdeb@gmail.com to join.
In the meantime, make sure to check out the LIVE show, Conversations with Deb, at UCB NY on June 23rd @ 9:30pm.
Reserve tickets here: http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/shows/2297
Converse with you in...
5 tags
Conversation about Cameron Diaz
Deb is living in Los Angeles. Her Mother is visiting from New York. They are at The Grove’s movie theatre.
Cameron Diaz walks by and sits behind them. Deb pinches her mother.
Mother: Ow, what? Why did you do that?
Deb tries to speak without moving her lips.
Deb: Caaaooon Daaazz is heee.
Mother: What?
Deb texts her mother. Texts reads “Cameron Diaz is here”.
Mother:...
5 tags
Conversation in an Ambulance
Deb has an accident and has to go to the hospital. EMT #2 helps Deb into the ambulance while EMT #1 walks to the driver’s seat.
A moment later, EMT #1 knocks on the back entrance.
EMT #1: Hey, where are the keys, dummy?
EMT #2: Who you calling dummy, dummy? You had the keys.
EMT #1: No, dummy, you had the keys. The front door is locked.
EMT #2: Come on already. We gotta go....
May 2010
2 posts
4 tags
Conversation While Watching American Idol
Deb is home sick on Long Island. She watches American Idol with her parents. Harry Connick Jr. sings.
Father: Who is this guy?
Deb and Mother do not answer.
Father: Who is this guy?
Deb: It’s Harry Connick Jr.
Father: Who is he?
Deb: He’s a si…
Father: He can’t be a singer. Ugh. This guy is terrible. America should vote him off.
5 tags
Conversation at the NYU Emergency Room
Deb and two Castmates are creating a display for their show, Conversations with Deb. Deb bumps her head.
Deb and Castmates ride in an ambulance.
They arrive at the hospital and wait in the Emergency Room. Deb is covered in blood.
A Random Girl turns around.
Random Girl: I don’t know if I should tell you this, and this is really weird and probably not the appropriate time but I really...
April 2010
5 posts
4 tags
Conversation at a Dunkin Donuts
Deb is on line at Dunkin Donuts. Little Boy and Mother stand beside Deb waiting for their order.
Little Boy: Why does it say that it’s America’s best coffee?
Everyone on line is impressed by Little Boy’s reading skills.
Mother: Because that is what Dunkin Donuts believes.
Little Boy: Oh. Why do they think that?
Everyone on line chuckles.
Mother: Because people in this...
5 tags
3 tags
Conversation about Deb
Best Friend’s Random Friend: I listened to the voicemail just now. Very long. Largely unintelligible. And I think she started singing at one point. And then said she wanted pizza but couldn’t have it since she’s lactose intolerant. This made her cry. At least it sounded like she was crying. I don’t know. Please don’t have her call me again.
5 tags
Conversation at Alice in Wonderland 3D
Deb and Friend are at the movies to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Deb thinks she’s lost the 3D glasses and attempts to get new pair at the front desk. The Movie Concierge will not give her a new pair.
Deb sadly returns to her seat. She finds 3D glasses in her purse.
The lights dim. The movie is about to start. A booming voice is heard.
Movie Concierge: Where is that girl? Who needed...
4 tags
Conversation on the Phone
Deb is on the phone. The woman on the other end spells a last name while Deb writes it down.
Woman: …”P” as in “people”, “O” as in “orange”, “G” as in “Jewish”…
Deb: Um.
Woman: …”I” as in “igloo”…
March 2010
8 posts
6 tags
Conversation on the N Train
Deb is on the N Train. A Mother and Three Year Old sit close to Deb.
Three Year Old: 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…
Mother: What comes after 29?
Three Year Old: 30? 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39…40. 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49…
Mother: Now, what comes after 49?
Three Year Old: 50! 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60….61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66,...
5 tags
5 tags
Conversation on a Date
Deb is on a date. Date has just gone into extreme detail about his home theatre - how large his tv is, the picture quality, surround sound, etc.
Deb: That must be great to watch movies on.
Date: I’m not really a movie person.
Deb: Oh. Well. It must be great to watch TV on.
Date: I’m not really a TV person.
Deb: Oh. Well. It must be great to watch sports on?
Date: I’m not...
4 tags
Conversation with a Crush
Deb has a crush. She finally has the chance to have a conversation with him.
Crush: …John Mayer.
Deb: Ugh. I can’t stand John Mayer. I don’t understand his appeal. Have you ever seen him singing? It looks like he’s sucking on the microphone, slobbering all over it. I don’t find him attractive, or interesting. He just doesn’t do it for me at all.
...
8 tags
Conversation with a Psychic
Deb is at a bar in the East Village. A Psychic sits at a table reading tarot cards. Deb sits beside him. He reads her cards.
Psychic: You’re very unstable right now.
Deb: Oh.
Psychic: Don’t worry, in the future, you will be stable. Wait, sorry, I misread the cards…
Deb: Great. I’ll be stable in the future.
Psychic: No, you may be stable in the future, and right now,...
6 tags
Conversation While Waiting for a Friend
Deb is waiting for a friend at an Italian restaurant on the Lower East Side. She sits at the bar, sipping on a glass of wine. A Random Woman sits next to her.
Random Woman places a napkin on top of her wine glass and walks away. A moment later, she taps Deb on her shoulder.
Random Woman: Are you going to be sitting here for a bit? Do you mind watching my drink?
Deb: Sure, not a problem.
...
6 tags
Conversation on the Walk to Work
Deb is walking to work on 3rd Ave. She is wearing her big, puffy, winter coat, jeans, and converse. A Random Girl walks next to her. Random Girl is wearing a short, slim, leather jacket, tights, and boots up to her knee.
The two walk side by side. A Random Man walks behind them.
Random Man: Damn girl. You beautiful. Damn. You walk that walk you walk. You walk it. Damn. Walk it, beautiful.
...
6 tags
Conversation with a Doctor
Deb does not feel well. She goes to the Doctor. He prescribes her some medicine.
Doctor: You should take sudafed twice a day and then benedril at night.
Deb: Oh, Doctor, no. I can’t take benadryl. It knocks me out.
Doctor: Yes, that’s why you take it at night.
Deb: No, you don’t understand, it makes me all loopy going into the next day.
Doctor: Damn, I bet you’re a...
February 2010
11 posts
Conversation with a Sibling
Deb is talking to her Brother. Mother reads a magazine.
Brother: I think these are the Best of Deb conversations that aren’t in your UCB show. Your new posts are just okay, you know?
Deb: I don’t know about that.
Brother: No, I’m telling you, they are just okay. These are so much better. Post them again.
Mother looks up from her magazine.
Mother: Brother is right.
Brother:...
7 tags
Conversation at a College Infirmary
Deb has hit her head in her dorm room. She is bleeding. Her Roommate rushes her to the infirmary. The Nurse looks Deb over.
Nurse: Wow. This is a lot of blood.
Deb: Oh my gosh, really? Will it stop?
Nurse: I don’t know. It’s a lot.
Deb: Oh my gosh, really? Nurse, I am very tired and everything is spinning.
Nurse: Makes sense. I think you have a concussion. The best thing for...
5 tags
Conversation with an Agent
Deb is working as an assistant to an agent in Beverly Hills. Agent’s Wife visits the office. Deb and Wife meet for the first time. Agent coordinates the introduction.
Agent: Deb, this is Wife. Wife, this is Deb, but you know her as G-d Damn Deb.
Deb: Um.
4 tags
Conversation with a Crush
Deb is at work. She has a crush on a co-worker and is in the middle of telling him a story. Crush stops her mid-sentence.
Crush: You know who you remind me of? Ugh. Dude, this is going to bother me all day. I can’t think of the name. But Dude, Deb, you look just like her.
Deb: Really? Like a famous person?
Crush: Yeah, Dude, like a famous person. Well, like a famous Muppet.
Deb...
6 tags
Conversation with a NYC Cab Driver
Deb is in a cab. Michael Buble’s song, I Just Haven’t Met You Yet, starts to play on the radio. Deb starts to sing along.
Deb: I’m not surprised not everything lasts, I’ve broken my heart so many times, I stop keeping track. Talk myself in, I talk myself out, I get all worked up and then I let myself down.
Cab Driver turns the volume up so Deb sings a little louder. Deb:...
7 tags
Conversation at Dodger Stadium
Deb is at Dodger Stadium. She wants to buy a hot dog but is confused by her hot dog options.
Deb: What’s the difference between a Dodger Dog and the 100% Dodger Dog?
Hot Dog Vendor: The 100% Dodger Dog has 100% traces of beef, while the Dodger Dog is all beef.
Deb: So the Dodger Dog is 100% beef?
Hot Dog Vendor: Yes.
Deb: And the 100% is 100% traces of beef? Are you sure it’s...
4 tags
Conversation at the Gym
Deb is at the gym. She is on the treadmill. A Random Sweaty Guy approaches her. Deb takes off her ear buds.
Random Sweaty Guy: Hey, you going to be on much longer?
Deb: Probably another 30 minutes.
Random Sweaty Guy: You’re only allowed 30 minutes.
Deb: Actually, that’s only during peak hours. It’s not peak hours right now.
Random Sweaty Guy stomps his feet and pouts.
...
8 tags
Conversation with CT from The Real World
Deb and Friend are the bar, The Belmont, in Los Angeles. They are about to end their night when they run into CT from The Real World.
Friend: CT. We watch the challenges and you’re ridiculous.
Deb: …and we don’t like the way you treat people. Why are you so angry?
CT: Nah, nah, nah. It’s all edited. You wouldn’t get it. Nah, nah, nah.
Friend: We were both...
6 tags
Conversation at Brunch
Deb and friends have just finished brunch at Cafe Orlin on St. Marks. Deb’s two friends leave the table. Deb is a little behind them and notices that her friend’s bag accidentally knocks a pita on another bruncher’s table onto the floor. Friend does not notice and continues to leave.
The Bruncher’s stare at the pita on the floor.
Bruncher # 1: This is so annoying.
...
6 tags
Conversation with a Parent
Deb is on the phone with her Mother. Mother has called for a recap of last night’s date.
Deb: It was fun. We went to a tapas bar.
Mother: What?
Deb: A tapas bar. It was fun.
Mother: Did you know he was going to take you there?
Deb: Yeah. It was really good.
Mother: I had no idea you liked that sort of thing.
Deb: Yeah. It was one of the better tapas places that I’ve been to...
January 2010
11 posts
5 tags
Conversation with Time Warner Customer Service
Deb is having problems with her cable and is on the phone with Time Warner. A Customer Service Guy has told Deb to restart her cable box. They wait for it to start back up.
Customer Service Guy: So, how come you don’t have a date tonight?
Deb: Um.
7 tags
Conversation with a Guy
Deb is on the phone with a Guy. He has just told a joke. Before Deb has a chance to laugh, he speaks.
Guy: So what I just said was funny because…
Deb: Guy, you don’t have to explain to me why a joke is funny.
Guy: Oh yeah. Sorry. Sometimes I forget that you’re smart.
7 tags
Conversation on the 6 Train
Deb is on the subway. A Random Woman chats with her.
Random Woman:How about that Rihanna?
Deb: I know, so sad.
Random Woman: I don’t know about that. There are always two sides of every situation.
Deb: Huh?
Random Woman:Everyone is all, oh boo-hoo Rihanna, and boo-boo Chris Brown. What if I told you, she hit him first?
Deb: Um.
Random Woman: That’s what I heard. She hit...
6 tags
Conversation via Voicemail
Deb has a voicemail from a Guy that she is randomly being set up with.
Guy: Hi Deb? It’s, ah, Guy. Ah, my mom has been annoying me to call you. Ah, so I’m calling. Ah. Alright. Call me back and we can set up a time to meet up. Ah. Alright. My mom told me I had to ask you to dinner but ah, maybe we’ll just get a cup of coffee. Get this over with. Ah. Alright. Ah. Looking...
5 tags
Conversation with a Commercial Agent
Deb is living in Los Angeles. She cannot act. A friend mails out her head shots and resumes to commercial agents. She gets a meeting with a commercial agent.
Commercial Agent: So Deb, your resume says you can do accents and dialects.
Deb: It does?
Commercial Agent: What sort of accents do you do?
Deb: Um.
Commercial Agent waits for Deb to answer.
Deb: It’s really, um, more New York...
5 tags
Conversation While Sitting in the Back Seat
Deb is in the back seat of her parent’s car. Her Father lowers the volume of the radio.
Father: I was flipping through the channels and what’s her name was on…O-frah.
Mother: Oprah.
Father: And O-frah had some lady on and she was talking about something. And then they talked about this book that O-frah liked…
Mother: Oprah.
Father: …and it was all about...
5 tags
Conversation on a Date
Deb is ending a first date. Date and Deb are in a taxi. Date has taxi pull up to Deb’s apartment building. He pays for cab and gets out with Deb.
He walks straight to the elevator. Deb stands in the lobby. He walks back to her.
Date: What are you doing? What floor you on?
Deb: I live on the 10th floor but this is where our night is ending.
Date: Ha, you crack me up Deb. Let’s...
5 tags
Conversation at a Bar
Deb is at a bar. A Drunk Random stares at Deb.
Drunk Random: You know who you look exactly like?
Deb: Um.
Drunk Random: You know who.
Deb shrugs.
Drunk Random: She was on a TV show on like BET or WB. Come on, she looks exactly like you.
Deb looks around the bar.
Drunk Random: And she has a sister. A twin sister. You look exactly like both of them. Come on. They had a show. About being...
5 tags
Conversation with a Parent
Deb and Mother are shopping at a department store. They are at the register buying some items. A Salesperson rings them up while Deb has a heart to heart with her Mother.
Deb: I suck. My aura is one of a naive 12 year old girl.
Mother: You’re right. That’s what’s wrong with you. You would be so much better off if your aura was one of a f*cking, class less, trampy whore.
...
4 tags
Conversation at LAX
Deb is going through security at LAX. She waits for her things to be scanned.
Airport Security Officer: Damn, girl.
Deb: Oh no, what?
ASO: You got attractive features.
Deb: Um. Thanks.
ASO: What you think is your most attractive feature?
Deb: Um.
ASO: Come on, don’t be shy.
Deb: I think my most attractive feature is my spirit.
ASO: Get out of here. Your spirit. What do I...