Conversation with a Doctor
Deb is at the Doctor. She is getting her annual physical. Doctor examines Deb.
Doctor: Are you currently in a relationship?
Deb: I am not.
Doctor continues to examine Deb.
Doctor: Hmmm.
Deb: Is something wrong, Doctor?
Doctor: I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I love setting my patients up.
Deb: Oh. Um.
Doctor: Now, I’m going to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t have a high success rate. I do, however, promise not to send along anyone weird, and trust me, I know if they’re weird. I’ll have them email you. The subject will be, “Patient of Dr. Doctor”. Now get dressed and come into my office. I’ll be in there searching my database.
Conversation on a Friday Night
It is a Friday night. Deb shops at Anthropologie. She decides to buy a pair of pajama pants that are on sale. A Cashier rings her up. As Deb is about to leave, he asks her a question.
Cashier: So what are you up to tonight?
Deb: Well, I just bought this pair of pajamas, so you’re looking at it…
The Cashier laughs.
Deb: …gonna head straight home and put them on.
The Cashier’s laughter stops.
Cashier: I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you weren’t joking.
Conversation with a Co-Worker
Deb is at work. A Co-Worker asks if she would like a chocolate chip cookie. Deb accepts and begins to eat cookie.
Deb: This cookie was made in the Hamptons.
Co-Worker checks packaging. He challenges her.
Co-Worker: Where in the Hamptons?
Deb takes another bite of the cookie.
Deb: South. Definitely, South Hampton.
Co-Worker: Your cookie geography is amazing.
Conversation with Customer Care
Deb is on hold with a Bank. She listens to hold music. Customer Care Representative #1: Deb, I wanted to apologize for the long hold time and thank you for remaining on the line. Deb: No problem. CCR #1: I have Customer Care Representative # 2 on the line. He will be best to assist you. Customer Care Representative # 2, I wanted to thank you for getting on the line with us. Customer Care Representative # 2: My pleasure. Thank you for assisting. CC #1: It was my pleasure. Again, thank you for your patience as I connected in CC # 2. CC #2: Thank you. CC #1: Thank you. Silence. CCR # 1: Um, ah, ok, I’m going to leave the line now. Again, thank you for your patience. CCR # 2: Thank you. I’ll take it from here. CCR # 1: Thank you. CCR # 2: Yes.
CCR # 1: …and thank you for choosing Bank.
CCR # 1 exits the call.
CCR # 2: Miss? Are you still on the line?
Deb: Yes.
CCR # 2: I’m so sorry about that.
Conversation with a Boss
Deb is at work. She is chatting with her boss.
Deb: Oh my gosh. Did you watch the season finale of Curb last night?
Boss: You know, I actually don’t get it.
Deb: You don’t get it?
Boss: No. I don’t get it.
Deb: Wait, I don’t understand, what’s not to get?
Silence.
Boss: HBO, Deb. I don’t get HBO.
Deb: Oh. Um.
Conversation with a Recent College Graduate
Deb is talking with a Random Co-Worker. Random Co-Worker is also a Recent College Graduate.
Random Recent College Graduate Co-Worker: Your birthday is coming up, right?
Deb: Yeah.
RRCGCW: That is so exciting. Which birthday is it?
Deb: 30.
Silence.
RRCGCW: I’m like a fetus compared to you.
Deb: Um.
RRCGCW: I’m being totally serious. Compared to you, I’m a fetus. I’m literally fetus.
Conversation with Friends
Deb and Friends discuss their upcoming trip.
Friend #1: I’m just really nervous about the hotel. I’m very worried about bedbugs.
Friend #2: I’m not too worried about the bedbugs. I’m just a very nervous traveler. A. Very. Nervous. Traveler.
Deb thinks about it.
Deb: I’m not worried about anything. My therapist wins!
Conversation with a Nurse
Deb is at the doctor. A Nurse is taking her blood. Deb looks the other way so she will not have to see the needle in her arm.
Nurse: Oh! Oh!
Deb frantically looks turns to the nurse.
Deb: Oh my gosh. What’s wrong?
Nurse: Girl, how I wish your blood was a nail polish color. I’d paint my nails with it.
Conversations with Deb is taking a trip to LA!
Thursday, October 28th @ 8:00pm
Deb has had some ridiculous conversations. During a conversation with a certain Late Night Talkshow Host, she had a turkey sandwich thrown in her face. During another conversation, a female stranger asked Deb to check her jeans for blood stains. And during a conversation with a pizza guy, Deb lost her chance for true happiness.
Yep, Deb’s had a lot of ridiculous conversations. Now she’ll replay them for you - live on stage.
Written and Performed by Deborah Gross
Directed by Kevin Hines
with Josh Feemster, Dru Johnston and Carla Snowden
Reserve your tickets here: http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/2297
Conversation with a Manicurist
Deb is getting a manicure on 23rd St. It is nice and relaxing.
Manicurist: Hands. So nice. Your hands so nice.
Deb: Thank you.
Manicurist: You could be hand model.
Deb blushes.
Manicurist: And your wrists. A wrist model too. You could be wrist model.
Manicurist leans over the table and checks out the rest of Deb. After she has her look, she sits back down in her chair.
Manicurist: Yes, you could be hand or wrist model.
