When Hurrydate emailed and informed me that my last chance at love was quickly approaching (i.e. registration for their next event was closing), I believed them and signed up for their 30-41 demographic while in the back seat of a friend’s car.
The evening of my last chance arrived and when I saw my prospects, I ran to the bar for a beer. I don’t drink beer so I asked for a hefeweizen. The bartender gave me a beer that was as big as my head. It was as if he knew. I tipped him a dollar and I went on my way.
And it begins. I stay seated and the men circulate. Everyone looks like they could be my friend’s fathers. No one is drinking. I have my huge gallon of beer.
# 21 – #21 is no stranger to the speed-dating circuit. This was his 10th Hurry-Date event. He told me that speed-dating isn’t quite as popular as it was five years ago. Five years ago, it was pretty hot and intense and a great scene. #21 looked around the room and sighed, “It’s no longer that great scene.” #21 told me the importance of taking good notes. “It’s very important to take your time with the notes. You will need to use those notes later to determine who you would like to match with. Always make sure you write down the man’s number. For example, I am #21.” I thanked him for sharing his life lessons with me. #21 then asked me where I was from but our five minutes had come to an end so we shook hands and wished each other the best of luck. I didn’t see #21 ever again.
#25 – # 25 sat down. He looked like a poor man’s George Castanza. I don’t remember much about him because I failed my mentor, #21, and didn’t take good notes. I just scribbled “PM George”. Sometimes, even if someone has paved the way for you, you have to learn your own lessons.
# 27 – #27 W. #27 W. was the only guy who had a last initial. The first minute we stared at each other. I asked him if he was enjoying his evening. He said yes. Silence. I asked him if he’s done this before. He said yes. More silence. I asked him what he did for a living. He is an engineer working on blah de blah blah aircraft. I said, oh yea? What type of aircraft? He said blah de blah blah blah French military blah blah de blah blah. I interrupted him to say our 5 minutes were up. He continued on with blah de blah blah blah numbers blah blah. No really it’s time to move on. Blah de blah mechanics blah blah science blah blah. You need to get up and leave.
#26 – #26 sat across from me. He said that my face was in the shadows so he moved his chair closer to me. He gasped, “You are stunning in this light.” I told him I am stunning in every type of light. #26 rested his hand on my leg. I scooted my chair away. #26 told me that the difference between LA and NY is that in NY people have dinner parties at home. People in LA don’t have dinner parties and oh how he wished they would. I said, #26, I think you should have a dinner party. He told me he’s an excellent cook and that he cooks vegan….and I zone out at vegan. When our five minutes is up we shake hands and he tells me I’m very charming in a sexy sort of way. #26 tells me that it’s important to take good notes.
#? – #? came to the states 16 years go by way of Israel. #? had both of his ears pierced. As soon as he took his seat he asked how old I was, I looked much younger than the other women at the event. I asked #? how old he was. He told me to guess. I couldn’t guess. He said 39. “I’m 39 but I get 37 a lot.” #?’s friend agreed that most people thought #? was 37 and not 39. Yes, #? brought a friend along. He wasn’t a part of the speed dating event, he just didn’t have plans for the evening so he tagged along.
#24 – #24 is a short, stocky bald man who looked at me and says “what are you doing here?” I wasn’t sure what he meant and he said that someone like me shouldn’t be at this event. He said that he would like to shake the hand of the man that screwed up with me because otherwise he would not be sitting across from me this evening. He tells me I’m a breath of fresh air. #24 is a writer and a leftie like me and therefore he thinks I am his soul mate. He tells me he likes me and looks around to make sure no-one is looking before he slides his card across the table. #24 tells me that he knows this goes against all the Hurry Date rules, that we’re suppose to wait to see who matches before any contact information is exchanged, but he Just. Can’t. Wait. #24 tells me that even if we don’t “match” we could still meet to talk about writing. #24 tells me that I’m going to kill him with my smile. I smile but he lied to me because he doesn’t fall down dead.
#22- #22 collapsed in the chair. He is exhausted. He looks like he’s been through a war. He gasped “We’re the youngest ones here.” #22 is 27 and came with his boss. She didn’t want to go alone. He tells me that he just wants to go home. I tell him, so do I. So do I.
#23 – #23 sits down. We shake hands. We chat. He works in Chain Supply Management. We talk about the Kings and the Mets. We look around and most people have left. We smile and excuse ourselves. It’s the end of the night.
I collect my things and find myself cornered by #24. #24 comes up to my shoulder. He tells me he’s a very straight forward guy and that he’s going to match with me. And for me to remember that he gave me his card. I told him, I remember. He says I was the highlight of the evening. I tell #24 that’s very nice of him to say. It was nice meeting you.
I walk to the parking garage. Someone catches my eye. It’s #24 again. He tells me that he’s not following me. I tell him it seems like he is. #24 tells me that he has an event he would like me to go to. He can introduce me to people. Even if we don’t match. Even if I’m not interested in him we can still go to this event. Together. I’m so charming. I seem so creative with my multiple bracelets. Think about it. Let me know my noon tomorrow.
I get home. #24 is right behind me in his car. No, I made that up. He wasn’t there.
Deb is at dinner with a friend. They are about to order wine. Deb lost her license at job interview earlier in the day.
Friend: I’ll have a glass of wine.
Deb: I will too.
Waitress: ID’s please.
Friend hands over her license. Deb searches through her bag.
Deb: Oh. I forgot. I lost my license today.
Waitress: I’m sorry. I can’t serve you unless I see your license.
Friend: Trust me. She’s 31.
Waitress: I believe you. She looks it. No offense.
Deb is at the Doctor. She is getting her annual physical. Doctor examines Deb.
Doctor: Are you currently in a relationship?
Deb: I am not.
Doctor continues to examine Deb.
Deb: Is something wrong, Doctor?
Doctor: I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I love setting my patients up.
Deb: Oh. Um.
Doctor: Now, I’m going to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t have a high success rate. I do, however, promise not to send along anyone weird, and trust me, I know if they’re weird. I’ll have them email you. The subject will be, “Patient of Dr. Doctor”. Now get dressed and come into my office. I’ll be in there searching my database.
It is a Friday night. Deb shops at Anthropologie. She decides to buy a pair of pajama pants that are on sale. A Cashier rings her up. As Deb is about to leave, he asks her a question.
Cashier: So what are you up to tonight?
Deb: Well, I just bought this pair of pajamas, so you’re looking at it…
The Cashier laughs.
Deb: …gonna head straight home and put them on.
The Cashier’s laughter stops.
Cashier: I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you weren’t joking.
Deb is at work. A Co-Worker asks if she would like a chocolate chip cookie. Deb accepts and begins to eat cookie.
Deb: This cookie was made in the Hamptons.
Co-Worker checks packaging. He challenges her.
Co-Worker: Where in the Hamptons?
Deb takes another bite of the cookie.
Deb: South. Definitely, South Hampton.
Co-Worker: Your cookie geography is amazing.
Deb is on hold with a Bank. She listens to hold music. Customer Care Representative #1: Deb, I wanted to apologize for the long hold time and thank you for remaining on the line. Deb: No problem. CCR #1: I have Customer Care Representative # 2 on the line. He will be best to assist you. Customer Care Representative # 2, I wanted to thank you for getting on the line with us. Customer Care Representative # 2: My pleasure. Thank you for assisting. CC #1: It was my pleasure. Again, thank you for your patience as I connected in CC # 2. CC #2: Thank you. CC #1: Thank you. Silence. CCR # 1: Um, ah, ok, I’m going to leave the line now. Again, thank you for your patience. CCR # 2: Thank you. I’ll take it from here. CCR # 1: Thank you. CCR # 2: Yes.
Deb is on hold with a Bank. She listens to hold music.
Customer Care Representative #1: Deb, I wanted to apologize for the long hold time and thank you for remaining on the line.
Deb: No problem.
CCR #1: I have Customer Care Representative # 2 on the line. He will be best to assist you. Customer Care Representative # 2, I wanted to thank you for getting on the line with us.
Customer Care Representative # 2: My pleasure. Thank you for assisting.
CC #1: It was my pleasure. Again, thank you for your patience as I connected in CC # 2.
CC #2: Thank you.
CC #1: Thank you.
CCR # 1: Um, ah, ok, I’m going to leave the line now. Again, thank you for your patience.
CCR # 2: Thank you. I’ll take it from here.
CCR # 1: Thank you.
CCR # 2: Yes.
CCR # 1: …and thank you for choosing Bank.
CCR # 1 exits the call.
CCR # 2: Miss? Are you still on the line?
CCR # 2: I’m so sorry about that.
Deb is at work. She is chatting with her boss.
Deb: Oh my gosh. Did you watch the season finale of Curb last night?
Boss: You know, I actually don’t get it.
Deb: You don’t get it?
Boss: No. I don’t get it.
Deb: Wait, I don’t understand, what’s not to get?
Boss: HBO, Deb. I don’t get HBO.
Deb: Oh. Um.
Deb is talking with a Random Co-Worker. Random Co-Worker is also a Recent College Graduate.
Random Recent College Graduate Co-Worker: Your birthday is coming up, right?
RRCGCW: That is so exciting. Which birthday is it?
RRCGCW: I’m like a fetus compared to you.
RRCGCW: I’m being totally serious. Compared to you, I’m a fetus. I’m literally fetus.
Deb and Friends discuss their upcoming trip.
Friend #1: I’m just really nervous about the hotel. I’m very worried about bedbugs.
Friend #2: I’m not too worried about the bedbugs. I’m just a very nervous traveler. A. Very. Nervous. Traveler.
Deb thinks about it.
Deb: I’m not worried about anything. My therapist wins!
Deb is at the doctor. A Nurse is taking her blood. Deb looks the other way so she will not have to see the needle in her arm.
Nurse: Oh! Oh!
Deb frantically looks turns to the nurse.
Deb: Oh my gosh. What’s wrong?
Nurse: Girl, how I wish your blood was a nail polish color. I’d paint my nails with it.